Four New Tribes Discovered: 3 in the USA, 1 in Iraq

New tribes are being discovered everywhere, and not even the United States is exempt. By a recent count, at least three new tribes have been discovered on the American mainland, while American occupiers have stumbled upon a new tribe in Iraq, one that persisted right under their noses, to the shock of many observers.

Two of the new tribes have been discovered in Florida and Michigan. There had previously been suggestions that such tribes, consisting of allegedly “disenfranchised” voters did not exist and thus could not be counted. But by a bizarre turn of events, bus loads of these uncounted self-counting voters will be put on display tomorrow at a special ethnographic exhibition being mounted by Senator Hillary Clinton at the Democratic National Committee. And what a sight it should prove to be. Anthropologists are bound to swarm the venue with their single lens reflex cameras, hoping to get prize shots of these previously irrelevant rule breakers. Even Clinton herself had claimed they should not be counted, but she changed her mind suddenly in recent weeks, and took pains to indicate their homogeneous cultural traits: they are predominantly white — hard working whites — they are angry, and their women are especially angry having been exposed very recently to the modern reality of “sexism.” These two tribes promise to put on a colourful show. Having been passed over once before, they intend to wear their special war colours and wave colourful placards with exotic scribblings of “Hillary 2008,” as a show of deference to their new found Great White Chief. Event organizers are warning the public not to feed the members of these tribes with their bare hands, and to avoid direct eye contact. Children are best kept away in case enraged members of these warrior tribes begin to stampede at the end of the day.

A third new tribe has been discovered by the mass media itself, in the U.S. This tribe consists of the majority of Jewish American voters who will not be voting for John McCain in November. Yet thousands of articles have been and will continue to be written claiming that Barak Obama has a “problem” with Jews. Here are some of the newly discovered cultural traits of these previously unrecognized Jews, a veritable Lost Tribe of Israel:

Take a look at the latest survey of American Jews undertaken by the American Jewish Committee last year. Among the findings: 67 percent of American Jews believe it was wrong to invade Iraq; 57 percent oppose the US taking military action to prevent Iran from obtaining nuclear weapons; a plurality favor the establishment of a Palestinian state; Jews are four times as likely to be registered Democrats as Republicans–and label themselves “liberal” over “conservative” by almost 2 to 1.

Yet head to the latest AIPAC (American Israel Public Affairs Committee) conference and you’re unlikely to hear these progressive views echoed. To paraphrase Richard Nixon, it’s almost like American Jews have become a silent majority in their own community.

And now a fourth new tribe has hit the news, this time in Iraq. The members of this tribe consist of Sunnis and Shia who are peaceful in the face of U.S. military uniforms. Anthropologists such as Senator John McCain have made the remarkable discovery that the more U.S. military uniforms are in evidence in Iraq, the quieter these two groups become. The escalation of violence recently has not disturbed their theories. Moreover, contrary evidence that U.S. forces cannot take credit for temporary cease fires worked out between local contending parties, has also been dismissed as pointy-headed nay-saying by surrender monkeys. We will continue to cover this story for further developments.

UPDATE! I just received word from my colleague, and superdelegate, Wappiamouth, that new photos of a previously undiscovered tribe in the Amazon — yes, in the Amazon of all places — have just been released on her site by the BBC.

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  1. Pingback: They Fell For It (Suckers): “New Tribe Discovered” « OPEN ANTHROPOLOGY

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